This story doesn't have a happy ending.

On December 17th, at 9 weeks, 4 days pregnant, I had a routine doctor's appt. About 20 minutes into the appointment, and two ultrasounds later, I found out the pregnancy was no longer viable. There was nothing there anymore.

We tried to get pregnant for 9 months before I FINALLY got the positive pregnancy test. In those 9 months, we also discovered that I had Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, which makes it difficult to get pregnant. With the help of an incredible OBGYN, the drug Clomid, and the weight loss, we were able to get pregnant. This was my sweet, much loved baby from the moment I found out.

We told my parents at 5 weeks and there was lots of screaming and joy. The pregnancy was perfectly normal, following all the stereotypical symptoms. I was absolutely terrified during week 6 that I was going to lose the baby, but at 7w3d Mike and I got to see the heartbeat. Our sweet baby was real and alive!

I was scared to go to the doctor last Tuesday for no real reason that I knew of. My mom was excited to see the ultrasound, so when we got ready for that, we got her to come back. Dr. Paroski couldn't see well with the ultrasound, so she tried transvaginal and still couldn't see anything. We went to the big ultrasound room and the ultrasound tech confirmed there was nothing inside the gestational sack.

Beyond the normal feelings of absolute devastation and loss, the next feeling was embarrassment. I absolutely did not want to tell anyone that I hadn't been able to hold on to my baby. Barely anyone knew that we were pregnant, but I didn't want to tell any of them the news.

Today I had a D&C. Please don't ask me what it stands for; I have no idea...I keep thinking it means "cease and desist," which fits. This has provided a little bit of closure to an incredibly difficult week. This also allowed me to realize that I have no reason to be ashamed. The whole time I struggled with PCOS and the possibility of infertility, I wished more people would share their stories. I wanted to share my story for anyone else who is or may someday be struggling as well.

Miscarrying my baby has been the hardest thing to deal with, especially because there was no warning. I had no cramping, no bleeding...just a routine ultrasound to see/hear the heartbeat. I feel empty and lonely, and some days it is hard to get up off the couch, even when promised a trip to target. But today as we waited THREE HOURS to have this procedure, I was laughing and starting the healing process. I have no doubt that there will still be very hard days and I will continue to struggle with this loss, but I will also continue to pray for healing, and I would appreciate your prayers as well.

My hope is that in sharing this story I will not only help myself, but maybe I will be able to help someone else as well.

"So I tell you: ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you shall find; knock, and the door will be opened for you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." - Luke 11:9-10

Week 9

How far along? 9 weeks, three days!

Total weight gain/measurements: Not sure. I have my next dr's appt tomorrow and I am trying not to stress too much over my weight. My pants are still too big, so I think that's a great sign. 

Maternity clothes: Negative.

Stretch marks? None. Since last week I've decided putting on lotion makes me want to throw up, so I am hoping this goes away soon so I can go back to lathering myself in it. 

Sleep: It's starting to get hard to fall asleep. I just can't get comfortable in any position. Plus I've become weirdly conscious of which side I'm sleeping on after reading that it's an old wive's tale that if you sleep on your right side, you're having a girl. 

Best moment this week: Telling my church friends at our pinterest party. They have been praying for me and Mike to get pregnant and overcome PCOS for a few months now, so it was super exciting to tell them! 

Miss anything? Having energy is number one. 

Movement: None. 

Food cravings: ENCHILADAS. I went to the grocery store and came home with five different kinds of frozen enchiladas because no one else seems to think it's a good idea to eat them every night of the week. Whatever. 

Anything making you queasy or sick? Lotion. Even the unscented stuff. Just the texture of it makes me feel nauseated. Food doesn't make me feel sick, but my nose is soo sensitive. It is absolutely miserable to smell anything. 

Gender: I start out on my left side and wake up on my right. Hmmmm. ;) 

Labour signs: Nope!

Symptoms: I am exhausted all the time...this will never change. The nausea comes and goes but it seems to be getting better! I've been sick twice...not too bad. My boobs ache, though. 

Belly button in or out? In

Wedding rings on or off? On!

Happy or moody most of the time: Moody, which is also a sign of having a girl, but I am moody all the time, so nothing new there. 

Looking forward to: My next OB appointment is tomorrow! The last day of school in 2013 is Friday!! 

Week 8

Probably should start taking pictures. Until then...

How far along? 8 weeks!

Total weight gain/measurements: When I went in to my dr's appt last Tuesday, I had gained no weight...surprising since I was on a really strict diet and went off it as soon as I found out I was pregnant. I haven't been eating really well the past two weeks, but I hope to stick to healthy eating once this ice storm passes. 

Maternity clothes: Negative. My clothes are still a little too big, which I LOVE! 

Stretch marks? None. I have Cocoa Butter from Palmer's but I've temporarily lost it. :( 

Sleep: I wake up about once or twice a night to use the restroom.

Best moment this week: Seeing the heartbeat (sort of) at our first dr's appointment. And this ice storm! Between the dr's appt, a school trip to Waller, and the ice day, I only went to school twice this week! 

Miss anything? Having energy and liking normal foods at normal times. 

Movement: None. 

Food cravings: Today it was tamales and orange juice. I drank a lot of OJ and regretted it as I felt so sick afterward. No tamales, so I settled for taquitos instead. Meh. 

Anything making you queasy or sick? Eating food. Orange juice, but I want it so bad! 

Gender: I want a girl and Mike wants a boy. :) 

Labour signs: Nope!

Symptoms: I am exhausted all the time. The morning sickness lasts all day...it's typically worse in the evening or if I haven't eaten in a while. Luckily, I've only actually gotten sick once, so its just nausea...but I hate it! Also I have some awful hormonal acne. I have ever since we went off birth control, though, so it's nothing new. Mom and I are getting facials on the 21st, so I hope that helps!

Belly button in or out? In

Wedding rings on or off? On!

Happy or moody most of the time: Moody, mostly. I hate being this tired, though its better after the dr confirmed that my blood pressure is normal. I was really worried with how exhausted I was, but it's getting a little better now. 

Looking forward to: My next appt with Dr. Paroski, my OB, on the 17th. Also, Christmas!!!