This story doesn't have a happy ending.

On December 17th, at 9 weeks, 4 days pregnant, I had a routine doctor's appt. About 20 minutes into the appointment, and two ultrasounds later, I found out the pregnancy was no longer viable. There was nothing there anymore.

We tried to get pregnant for 9 months before I FINALLY got the positive pregnancy test. In those 9 months, we also discovered that I had Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, which makes it difficult to get pregnant. With the help of an incredible OBGYN, the drug Clomid, and the weight loss, we were able to get pregnant. This was my sweet, much loved baby from the moment I found out.

We told my parents at 5 weeks and there was lots of screaming and joy. The pregnancy was perfectly normal, following all the stereotypical symptoms. I was absolutely terrified during week 6 that I was going to lose the baby, but at 7w3d Mike and I got to see the heartbeat. Our sweet baby was real and alive!

I was scared to go to the doctor last Tuesday for no real reason that I knew of. My mom was excited to see the ultrasound, so when we got ready for that, we got her to come back. Dr. Paroski couldn't see well with the ultrasound, so she tried transvaginal and still couldn't see anything. We went to the big ultrasound room and the ultrasound tech confirmed there was nothing inside the gestational sack.

Beyond the normal feelings of absolute devastation and loss, the next feeling was embarrassment. I absolutely did not want to tell anyone that I hadn't been able to hold on to my baby. Barely anyone knew that we were pregnant, but I didn't want to tell any of them the news.

Today I had a D&C. Please don't ask me what it stands for; I have no idea...I keep thinking it means "cease and desist," which fits. This has provided a little bit of closure to an incredibly difficult week. This also allowed me to realize that I have no reason to be ashamed. The whole time I struggled with PCOS and the possibility of infertility, I wished more people would share their stories. I wanted to share my story for anyone else who is or may someday be struggling as well.

Miscarrying my baby has been the hardest thing to deal with, especially because there was no warning. I had no cramping, no bleeding...just a routine ultrasound to see/hear the heartbeat. I feel empty and lonely, and some days it is hard to get up off the couch, even when promised a trip to target. But today as we waited THREE HOURS to have this procedure, I was laughing and starting the healing process. I have no doubt that there will still be very hard days and I will continue to struggle with this loss, but I will also continue to pray for healing, and I would appreciate your prayers as well.

My hope is that in sharing this story I will not only help myself, but maybe I will be able to help someone else as well.

"So I tell you: ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you shall find; knock, and the door will be opened for you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." - Luke 11:9-10